Coders, desginers even your support staff actually want to take pride in their work, the want to do a good job. As a manager you’re meant to make that easier, but what if you don’t want to - how would you go about breaking someone’s will and what would a completely demoralised staff member look like, want to find out?

Start by micromanaging them

Assume from the start that they’re incompetent, they won’t get it right and make absolutely sure they’re told every task they need to do. Make sure you tell your staff in minute detail how you want it to look, how big you want it, what colour and how they should discuss it with customers - because let’s face it, the fuckers aren’t capable of figuring it out themselves.

Free will is alright in religion, but not in this workplace!

Make sure you’re ever vigilant and make sure you’re giving each member of staff a list of things they need to do. Of course there are things that will crop up and they’ll need to address those as well, but don’t allow it to impact your lists - you are the boss and your will, will be done.

The key to true micromanagement lies in the process, or more to the point in creating a process. When something slips through, there is a failure or anything breaks down it’s because of a procedural failure, the only solution is to fix the procedure, with a new one. Creating a new process allows you to have complete control without requiring you to interact on a case by case basis; though that is highly recommended, because as we made clear earlier - the fuckers just aren’t capable on their own.

For the advanced, micromanaging further can be a worthwhile challenge; take a task you’ve assigned and make sure you’re staff are aware of each step that you need them to complete. Basically micromanage your micromanaging! Tell them what to do and how you want them to do it, tell them in detail and make sure they know you’re doing this because it wasn’t done right last time and we just can’t afford any more mistakes.

Documentation is key

We all know that documentation is important, but only a gifted few are able to take it to the next level. If you’re in charge of anyone for the love of god, cover your ass. As in the wild if you’re the alpha male (or female) you need to defend that position, show any weakness and someone will certainly try to unseat you - make them document their worth, then use it against them!

As you micromanage processes and create new ones you’re handed a golden opportunity for documentation, new spreadsheets, new flow charts and new forms to fill in!

Make it pointless

It’s not meant to be about something that is easy for the staff - this is about you. Make sure the documentation is unweildly at the very lest - shooting for downright maddeningly pointless is of course the ultimate goal if you want to truly demoralise people.

Timesheets are a great starting place. But they should never list time on task - they lying bastards always just add them up to make a full week work, even when you know they’re bunking off. Make they list the time they started, then the time they finished a task and make them do it in a separate document for each task. Another great place is a call logs and error reports - make them document it all!

Make it feel like they’re justifying themselves

Make sure that when someone is filling out documentation, especially things like timesheets, they’re aware the true intention of the activity is to justify themselves. Make sure you say, and repeat, things “They’re kept on file for management review, internal accounting and cost/benefit analysis”. That’ll keep ‘em on their toes.

Make them justify themselves

Use the documentation in meetings - they knew you were going to even if you said you wouldn’t. Haul them out during a performance interview and you’ll have everything you need to keep costs down.

Advanced documentation

• Make sure it’s on paper, as we can’t trust these computers
• Even better, mandate they fill in a spreadsheet, print it and then file it
• Even better, mandate a more detailed format, update a communal spreadsheet (stored on a shared drive and only accessible by a single user at a time), print it, then file it.

That was fun, where to from here?

Now that you’ve moved away from the traditionally held position that lower level tasks should be delegated down the chain of command so you can focus on the higher level tasks, start complaining that your staff are useless. Tell them that they can’t seem to accomplish anything without you hand holding them. Put pressure on them, make them sure that THEY are holding up business development.

Hire them a new boss

You need help, your staff are useless so create a new tier of management. Hire someone from outside to help you better manage your staff. Even better, bring someone from a different division into the team and put them above the team members.

The above is satire, I wouldn’t actually suggest you do any of that if you want to have a happy productive workplace. To a greater or lesser degree I or people I know have been guilty of some of them but it isn’t based on any real concrete experience.